“By discovering America, Columbus set in motion the development of our civilization… and he proved that the human spirit can stretch beyond any horizon.” -- Ronald Reagan

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In what can only be described as the most historically inconvenient miracle since Moses parted the Red Sea during rush hour, Christopher Columbus has mysteriously reappeared in 2025—bearded, confused, and wearing tights made of wool.

His first act? Attempting to “discover” America for the second time.

Unfortunately, he landed in Toronto.

“Behold, a vast and bountiful new land!” Columbus shouted, stepping out of a rented Toyota Corolla and planting a flag made from a Chick-fil-A napkin. “I shall call it… Columbusia!” He was immediately ticketed by a Canadian meter maid for parking in a bike lane and misgendering a fire hydrant.

✦ The New World Meets the Old Man

Columbus, still working under the assumption that the world is best navigated by celestial objects and faith in God, quickly found himself disoriented by smartphones, self-checkout lanes, and gluten-free communion wafers. Upon being handed an iPad, he asked, “Does this flatten the Earth or confirm it is round?”

His arrival was swiftly picked up by the U.S. media—CNN described him as a “known colonizer,” MSNBC labeled him a “historical oppressor with a nautical fetish,” and NPR praised his “emotional vulnerability” but warned listeners not to confuse him with the progressive kind of explorer, like Greta Thunberg.

Meanwhile, liberal activists on X (formerly known as “Ye Olde Twitter”) launched the trending hashtag: #CancelColumbus.

Within 12 hours, he was banned from Uber, DoorDash, Venmo, and two Renaissance Fairs.

✦ Columbus Meets President Trump and VP Harris

A confused but delighted Columbus was then invited to Mar-a-Lago, where President Trump shook his hand and declared him “a total legend, really a pioneer, big boats, huge vision—honestly, he’s the original MAGA.”

Columbus nodded politely, asked where the Queen was, and inquired if the “beautiful walls” Trump spoke of were designed to keep out the Turks or the Carthaginians.

Meanwhile, Vice President Kamala Harris released a statement celebrating Columbus Day by saying:

“Exploration is when you explore. And when you explore, you find things, and what you find is what you discovered, and what you discover is something you didn’t know until you explored it.”

Columbus was reportedly “deeply moved” by her “commitment to the metaphysical art of saying absolutely nothing while saying a great many things.”

✦ Indigenous Tribes Offer Crypto for Peace Treaty

Upon finally meeting with leaders of a Native American tribal council in Arizona, Columbus removed his plumed hat, bowed solemnly, and offered shiny beads and Spanish doubloons.

The tribal chief responded, “Cool, but do you accept Ethereum?”

A ceremonial peace treaty was signed—digitally—on a Ledger Nano wallet, with full blockchain verification. “It’s like wampum,” Columbus muttered, “but with math.”

✦ Historical Presentism: The Real Villain

Immediately following his return, Columbus was booked for a segment on The View. He made it halfway through the green room before being assaulted by a drum circle, three sociology majors from Oberlin, and a former statue activist who tried to tape a BLM sticker to his forehead.

“Don’t you know what you did in 1492?!” screamed one protester.

“I wasn’t even born in this century,” Columbus protested. “I still don’t know what a TikTok is!”

Alas, the mob wasn’t interested in nuance. He was banned from Airbnb for being a “problematic historical presence,” and Snopes rated his life as “Mostly False.”

✦ Executive Order #1492-B: Trump Saves History (Again)

In a surprise press conference from his gold-plated golf cart, President Trump signed Executive Order #1492-B: The Great Columbus Restoration Act, declaring that all Columbus statues must be returned, Columbus Day must be federally celebrated, and all references to “Indigenous People’s Day” be replaced with “Intrepid Italian Explorer Appreciation Time.”

“America needs explorers,” Trump said. “Not influencers.”

Fox News called it “the greatest act of historical preservation since Indiana Jones punched a Nazi.” MSNBC called it “dangerous.” NPR offered a soft banjo arrangement in protest.

✦ The Legacy Lives On

So, what does it all mean? Columbus, once revered as a symbol of Western expansion and the man who—through grit, navigational genius, and blind optimism—connected two worlds, has become the scapegoat of an insecure age allergic to excellence.

Was he perfect? No. He sailed without GPS, judged the circumference of the Earth incorrectly, and probably thought TikTok was a maritime disease. But he was a man of vision. A man of courage. And unlike today’s critics—he actually did something.

As Michael Knowles quipped, judging Columbus based on the smear campaign of a political rival is like saying, “We know everything about Trump now, thanks to Hillary’s tweets.” Historians agree: Columbus was held to the highest standard of his time. Presentism—the woke art of applying 21st-century moral codes to 15th-century realities—is intellectual malpractice.

Bring back the statues. Bring back the truth. And remember: without Columbus, none of us would be here to argue about Columbus.

#PoliticalCartoon #Satire #ColumbusDay #Trump #OPED #HistoryTwist

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