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HARTFORD, CT; SATIRE — Connecticut Secretary of State Stephanie Thomas held a reassuring Zoom call this week with a carefully curated group of supporters, allies, and people who have already donated, explaining that election confidence is strongest when discussed exclusively inside a digital bubble with the chat function disabled.

“This is not a public meeting,” Thomas clarified at the outset. “This is a safe space for certainty.”

The Zoom, titled ‘Election Integrity: Just Ask Wanda!’, featured nodding participants, muted dissent, and a recurring slide that simply read: Secure. Fair. Move On.

Whenever uncomfortable topics surfaced—citizenship verification, voter roll maintenance, or the small matter of indicted Democrats in Bridgeport over mail-in ballot shenanigans—Thomas waved them away with the meeting’s official rebuttal:

“Just ask Wanda.”

Wanda, described by organizers as “someone who feels very strongly about this,” was repeatedly cited as definitive proof that no problems exist. “Wanda hasn’t seen fraud,” Thomas noted. “And Wanda’s on this call. Case closed.”

When a participant accidentally unmuted and mentioned basic safeguards—like in-person verification or auditable mail-in ballot custody—Thomas gently reminded the group that doing the basics is how democracies really fall apart.

“Look,” she said, leaning toward the webcam, “confidence doesn’t come from transparency. It comes from repetition. And agreement. Mostly agreement.”

Thomas reassured attendees that Bridgeport was merely “over-enthusiastic civic participation,” adding that indictments are “just legal opinions with bad branding.” She then emphasized that discussing fraud too loudly could undermine confidence—unlike, apparently, committing it quietly.

The Secretary also confirmed that Connecticut would not be pursuing reforms that might accidentally detect problems. “If we improve verification,” she warned, “we might discover something. And that would be irresponsible.”

As the Zoom wrapped up, participants were encouraged to donate, share approved talking points, and avoid conversations with anyone outside the call. The final slide appeared, bold and centered:

QUESTIONS?

JUST ASK WANDA.

At press time, officials confirmed the recording would not be released “to prevent misinformation,” and future sessions will include a new feature that automatically removes participants who ask what most voters would consider obvious questions.

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